Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
