Please, let me fuck your mom
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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