THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
