So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
