I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
