Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
