So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
