Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
