I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize