eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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