I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
