I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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