she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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