I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
