You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
