We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
