I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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