it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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