omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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