Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
