You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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