if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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