saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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