just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
