I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
