I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
