I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
