My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
