Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
