so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
