You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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