I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
