I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
