hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
