I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
