margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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