Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
