Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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