Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize