Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
