Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Hippo gnu deer
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
