I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
