Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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