then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
