I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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