paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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