Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
