Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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