he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
