Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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