Got a toothbrush?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
