Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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