Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
