I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
