yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
