if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
