not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
