Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
