im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
