Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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