I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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